The Pineapple Adventure

2/19/2006

And they won't let Golf be an Olympic sport...

Now I am a pretty big fan of the Olympic Games. I think that it is one of the one bastians of pure sport left in the world today (with the exception of Basketball, Hockey, Tennis, & the other sports in which Professionals are allowed to compete). But with that said, I truly think that they need to examine some of the sports that they allow into both the Summer & Winter Games, along with those which are deemed to not be Olympic as of yet.

Tug of war, rugby, polo, lacrosse, and golf were once on the Olympic programme. Climbing, bridge, golf, roller skating and surfing are sports that are recognised by the International Olympic Committee (IOC). The International Sports Federations (IFs) that administer these sports must ensure that their statutes, practice and activities conform with the Olympic Charter, but they are not allowed to be part of the actual Olympic Games. These are some of the most popular sports in the world...ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Although more popular with the High School & College population in the United States, Rugby is hugely popular in almost every developed country in the rest of the world.
Lacrosse is yet another enormously popular sport, along the same lines as Rugby. Widely played throughout the world...
Tug of War....although it is more fun than I can describe during the Greek Games at many Universities across the US, I can see why this one is no longer in the Olympic Programme.
Roller Skating...not really a sport (unless full contact) & wasn't even really that fun during the couples skate at Rollerworld.

Golf, however, is one sport that I cannot imagine is not an olympic event. There are golf courses in almost every civilized country in the world. Golf is also one of the world's most popular sports among people of all ages, races, & classes. I have to believe that just about every country that brings any sort of team to the Games of the whatever number Olympiad would have an entry in the event. Also, I guarantee that there is a world class golf course in the vicinity of every single city that has held & would ever hold a Summer Olympic Games. There are professional golf events & tours held in every portion of the world, with the possible exception of those regions which have a sub-freezing climate.

This is how the International Olympic Committee describes the sport of Golf:

Golf has been on the Olympic programme twice, in 1900 and 1904. There were two golf events in 1900 - one for gentlemen and one for ladies. Golf is one of the world's most popular sports, being played in well over 100 nations world-wide. Golf also has a long history, as it origins can be traced back several centuries, and it has had organised international competitions since the mid-19th century. In the last decade golf has made entreaties to be returned to the Olympic programme.

Now what in that blurb would make them think that it should not be an Olympic event? If you can explain it to me, please do.

Now, let's go over the top 10 sports currently contested in the Olympic Games that, to a great many people, are questionable at best...but are somehow more suitable than golf...

Curling - Now I find this sport to be exciting & fascinating...but where & when is it competed outside of the Winter Olympics...not to mention that if I decided that I would be a damn good curler (which, by the way, I have no doubt that I would be the Tiger Woods of Curling), where & how would I get into the sport? NO ONE KNOWS...but if someone does, please let me know, because I'm serious about wanting to try it...
Badminton - Unless you are a diminutive Asian or Forrest Gump, I wouldn't call this a sport...Dodge Ball deserves to be an Olympic Sport more than Badminton...
(On a random note..who doesn't think that Dodge Ball would take second seat only to Women's Beach Volleyball as the most watched Olympic event? All they would need is a Misty May & they'd be even more popular...)
Ice Dancing - An event for skaters who can't jump, don't have enough talent to be figure skaters, but are still too sissy to play Hockey...although the women are much more attractive than women in figure skating...
Rhythmic Gymnastics - Much like Ice Dancing, people who couldn't really hack it as gymnasts... just running & skipping about flitting their ribbons around in the air...
Trampoline - Every 8 year old's dream ( along with my wife's ), but an Olympic event? I don't think so...
Table Tennis - Also known as Gossima. Whiff-Whaff. Flim-Flam. Ping-Pong... sounds like Kim Jong-Il on a rampage... please reference the diminutive Asian comment above...
Short-Track Speed Skating - Again, the diminutive Asian theme continues & anyone else who couldn't cut it in real speed skating (which is an event which I love to watch, by the way)...plus that kid with the soul patch was just over-hyped & annoying...
Hand Ball - Dodge Ball would be a much more exciting event any day of the week...
Wrestling - I know it's there to stay, but it's just blatant repressed homosexuality...
Syncronized Swimming - Enough said...

2/14/2006

That Damn Little Cherrub...

I'm sure that you all will agree with me on the fact that this holiday is total crap. Just another manufactured holiday conjured up by those evil Hallmark people (I hate Hallmark...). Not that there are many others, this one just really gets to me...

Why is it that I should love my wife more today than on any other day of the year? Can someone please explain that to me? I buy my wife a dozen roses almost every week, not because some fat little angel says that I should, but because I love her & my bringing her home a dozen roses a few times a month makes her smile. It is a small gesture that shows her that I love her...ALL YEAR. Not just on February 14th. Are most men really that stupid that they need to be given a specific day to outwardly love the women in thier lives? Are women even more stupid, only expecting it one day every year? The worst part of it is that most women do now expect it. If for some reason, the man in their life doesn't have a $100 dozen roses delivered to them at work for everyone to see, a bitter argument is sure to follow that night...or even that afternoon on the telephone. That same woman wouldn't expect that any other day of the year...& it's all the fault of that fat winged devil named Cupid.

This only reason that this holiday persists, other than evil corpoations like Hallmark & Kabloom, is so those desperate women can cling to the hope that their husband or significant ot

hers really do love them. Somehow, getting flowers & candy on Valentine's Day makes up for being neglected every other day of the year. They don't realize that being guilted into it by society at large (not to mention the Little Flying Fatty) doesn't mean that they are truly loved & adored the way that they really want to be.

It's actually really pathetic. Due to the simple fact that most men don't have a romantic bone in their body, society (no doubt initially thought of by a woman) instituted a day mandating romance. But it isn't real. Not to mention that a dozen roses cost about $80 more per dozen, which is horse-shit too. How is it that Kabloom can get away with that? It's ridiculous! And just imagine how many staff writers Hallmark has, just sitting there in K.C. thinking up new catch phrases for their stupid cards...it's enough to make you cough up all those Necco-Heart candies you've been downing all damn day...

A few tips for the gentlemen in order to survive these dark days of February:

Boycott all Hallmark products (American Greeting Cards are better anyway)...
Buy your roses at either Shaw's or Stop & Shop...they'll be a quarter the cost & will save you from having to bend over for those rapists at Kabloom...they'll last longer too...
If you give a girl one of those little baseball-card looking Valentine's cards that you used to get when you were in first grade, they will think you are being all kinds of adorable (no matter what their age)...
This is the one day when the gift of candy doesn't translate into "You look fat in those jeans"...
Those TAG Body Spray commericals are a farse...
Suit-Up...it works...
Sweater-vests are the new black...
Just because you drop a few hundred on a fancy dinner & a bottle of Cristal, doesn't mean that she won't throw it up later...
Accept it now...flowers & candy doesn't mean you'll get laid...sorry dude...
They always appreciate you at a Gentlemen's CLub...& they might have a good buffet...
If all else fails...apply for your gun permit in January...it takes 3 weeks & no one will blame you...

1/30/2006

The Lemon Chicken Incident...

If you've ever seen "Everybody Loves Raymond", you've no doubt seen some of these televised instances in your own lives. You can call upon any one of a dozen similarities in your own lives, whether it be your wife's deficiency of housekeeping skills, begging (fruitlessly) for an intimate moment, or the countless meals that you suffer through with a smile....every married male can find a little point of sympathy with poor Raymond.

It is this last point that is my point of discussion this evening. In particular...Lemon-Chicken. Now my wife shares many, many similarities with Deborah (frighteningly similar). One likeness that is not shared, in general, is her cooking. My beautiful wife, in general, is a wonderful cook (not that we make gourmet dishes, but we are both very good at the dishes that we do prepare). There is one time, however, that stands out & has made for much joy & laughter ever since...at least on my part...but let me first set the scene properly...

Have you ever noticed how there are singular (yet outstanding) stories that last throughout the ages? Stories such as the Shot Heard Around the World, Francis Quimet defeating Harry Vardon to win the US Open, or my younger brother giving our Maid of Honor a lapdance at our wedding live on in our memory & are constantly re-lived again & again....bringing laughs & smiles along the way...every time. My beautiful wife & I have several of these stories, which again bring smiles & laughter every time (at least to me). They are re-hashed every now & then, never failing to brighten our lives. For example:

If you have ever been ill-fated enough to bear witness to my wife clearing her throat, & lived to tell about it, consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. It is one of the most horrid sounds ever uttered by mortal man. Each time it happens, children for miles around break out into tears & spend their remaining waking hours in a horrified, schitzofrenic state...terrifying...

For some unknown reason, whenever my wife 's glasses are dirty, she complains about it in an English accent...sexy, but unusual...

But perhaps one of my favorites, is the Lemon Chicken Incident. My beautiful wife had occassion, at one point in time, to attempt to make Lemon Chicken for dinner. She tried, but it wasn't good. It wasn't good at all. I have no idea what happened in that kitchen. My wife is, in most instances, a fairly accomplished cook ( & also looks mighty cute in an apron), but something un-natural happened in our kitchen that night. It was reminiscent of Raymond trying desperately to force one of Deborah's meal into the vaccuum cleaner. Except I was man enough to simply explain to my wife that is was inedible. It was that bad. One of our good friends, who just happened to have been dining with us on that particular evening, was apparently so overcome with sympathy for my darling wife, she not only finished her entire piece of ungodly fowl, but actually said that it was good. God bless her little heart.

Now every time that this story manages to come up, in the course of normal conversation, a change comes over my wife. Much like the Incredible Hulk, she transforms instantly from the sweet & sassy woman that she normally is, into a raging monster, laying waste to all in her path. The destruction is legendary. Men shake with fear upon the sound of her footsteps & soil themselves at the mere thought of her transformation. One moment, a beautiful young housewife worthy of Wisteria Lane...the next, a destructive rage of emotions, laying waste to everything in her path. Although she vigorously denies it, the eveidence of her devastation is irrefutable. It makes me laugh & smile every single time...she is just so damn cute...

But the monster lingers still...just beneath the surface...

1/28/2006

Is that what happens when you get old...?

Now please do not take this as any sign of dis-respect to The Greatest Generation, but I have noticed a trend among our aging population. No, this is not a rant about the importance of hearing aids (hint hint hint...Nana Fitz) or the unfairness of AARP discounts at movie theaters and early-bird specials. What I speak of is an epidemic. One which is not only contained to the likes of Florida, as many of we unsuspecting young 'ens once believed as gospel. It was demonstrated to me most recently at a place which mortals dread...

Be warned...this is not for the faint of heart...

I had the misfortune this morning to visit, at the side of my beautiful bride, The Christmas Tree Shops (I know what you are saying, & I thank you for the sympathy...the wounds are beginning to mend). Beyond the whole parking dilema, which was surprisingly quick, the problem lay waiting inside the doors.

Old People...

Ordinarily not a problem. But why is it that in places like this, old people forget how to walk. It's not a handicap issue. They just forget. They could be in the middle of a tight alley with no displays on either side & a line of parents with screaming kids behind them...but they just stop & stand there. Not looking at anything. Not reading anything. they just stand there. Why is that? Why do they stop? How can they not notice the people that almost run over them (at least not for a good 15 seconds or so). It's almost like they suddenly forget where they are & for the next few moments look around in wonder until it all comes back to them.

I also noticed this strange occurance in Las Vegas. The sudden loss of motor function is remarkable....except that you must multiply it ten-fold on the Vegas Strip or in any of the mega-resorts, just due to the sheer volume of them which surround you everywhere.

It's no wonder why they say that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"...there are too many of them to get out...

1/19/2006

It figures...

As the PGA Tour season starts it's season in Hawaii, those of us unlucky inhabitants of the Northeast still have two looming brutal months of winter left to suffer through until the weather in our neck of the woods becomes tolerable again...

In case you can't tell, I HATE WINTER...

Granted, most of my dislike of winter stems from it's halting of the golf season, along with the cease of almost all outdoor life. However, there is one other aspect of Winter that I dislike most of all. One that has tormented me every year since we purchased our tiny little house. I am speaking, of course, of.................................................................................SNOW

The white death. A plague upon all in humanity who must put a stopper in life for 3 months each year. It is the same thing every year...the thousands of already horrible drivers become even worse at the sight of that first snowflake as it touches the pavement ahead of them. The endles hours wasted, shovel in had, clearing a path so that you can get to wherever it is that you spend most of your life, miserably working & wishing that you were at home with your loved ones. Then the inevitable pain relievers & hours with the heating pads that follow, in an attempt to sooth your aching back.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas my ass...whomever it is that wrote that song has obviously never wasted any of his life shoveling a driveway for eight hours in order to clear a path through the "winter majesty"....crap...give me a palm tree in the desert with Christmas lights on it every day over any more of this sh*t

I've suffered through it for longer than I care to remember. But now, however, a light beckons from the end of that perverbial tunnel. My father in law has swooped in, like Underdog flying in to rescue Sweet Polly Purebread, with yet another much-too-generous gesture to save us yet again. I had tried to convince my one-and-only to allow me to purchase one for years to no avail. But now, thanks to Bob, we finally have a SNOWBLOWER (the sounds of a crowd cheering wildly fill the air). The one dream common amoung all men during these three months of wintery hell. It's all about the lines. They must be straight. I've never used one myself, yet been caught up in the discussions like I'd been out there for years, carefully eyeballing the edges, looking for any slight variation from beginning to end.

A Snowblower...at long last. The dream has finally been realized. But as is anything in our lives, god must have his laughs & poke fun at us tiny mortals . Naturally, since we have been graced with this much saught after dream, by the benevolence of UnderBob...

NOT A FLAKE...

Not one damn storm of mention that would even slightly call for taking the cover off of the beautiful black snowblower. And that will be the story of this entire winter. It will be cold...very cold, grey, & miserable...& now that I finally do not need to wrench my back in agonizing pain, we will not see a snow storm until at least next year......or worse, a freak blizzard in the middle of April, just in time to ruin & postpone the beginning of golf season all across New England, giving us all one more kick square in the nuts...

It Figures...