Two for the price of one...

The only thing that has ever made me this happy was the night that she said yes........before she threw-up...

It's a good thing that Eve wasn't the actual gardener...

So what is it with women & gardens...?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that gardens are supposed to be beautiful, peaceful, & relaxing...full of artfully planned flowering plants, a tranquil water feature, or perhaps a carefully trimmed bush...

When we men think of gardens at our homes, most of us picture the quaint silhouette of the female English gardener…y’all know what I’m talking about…the fair-haired beautiful young woman, daintily gliding around her garden in your favorite string-bikini, bending over to your delight as she tends to her bosoms…I mean blossoms…

But however you picture your gardener, there is generally one thing in common…tending to the garden…why we men imagine our women tending to our gardens probably goes back to our dominant images of wives as the mothers of our children…

“Though all his life a fool associates with a wise man, he no more comprehends the Truth than a spoon tastes the flavor of the soup…”

-Dhammapada

Since the dawn of time, women have ruined gardens for man…no wonder they are thought of as womanly…from the very first man & the very first woman, in the very first garden…the woman has destroyed the image of gardens for man throughout the ages.

In the Garden of Eden story, God molds Adam from the dust of the Earth, then forms Eve from one of Adam's ribs and places them both in the garden, east of Eden. God charges both Adam and Eve to tend the garden in which they live, and specifically commands Adam not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, a tree peculiarly pleasing to the eye. In the narrative Eve is quizzed by the serpent why she avoids eating of this tree. In the dialogue between the two, Eve childishly elaborates on the commandment not to eat of its fruit. She says that even if she touches the tree she would die. Psychologically the Serpent induces in her a state of inferiority. Eve is then filled with desire to be like God and have wisdom and knowledge. She and Adam then eat the fruit. Adam becomes aware of his "nakedness" and ashamed, hides from God. God finds them, confronts them, and judges them with a sentence of "death", beginning with the serpent first, then Eve, then Adam. God then expels them from the garden because they have disobeyed Him by eating the forbidden fruit. In order to guarantee the punishment of death and to keep Adam and Eve from partaking of the Tree of Life, (which would give them perpetual life), God places cherubim to guard against any entrance into the garden with an omnidirectional "flaming" sword, preventing Adam and Eve from returning in the future.

Here we not only see the reasons for man’s disdain of gardening, but also why women are the downfall of man-kind…but I digress…

If you are one of the lucky few having the good fortune to stroll down Magnolia Lane, you have been witness to the spectacle of the Augusta National magnolia garden in the distance. Those of you fortunate enough to have strolled the length of our leisurely drive have undoubtedly witnessed a similar phenomenon. I like to call it…”The Amazon”. Much like the majestic magnolias of Augusta National, my wife’s garden also flowers…for at least one entire day each calendar year. Not that it is entirely her fault. She is lacking that o-so-crucial element of free time (& motivation). That is why people have gardeners, because that is what they do all day…tend to gardens. Most people, between work, family, & the other house/yard work, simply neglect their garden.

Where my wife goes wrong, is that she likes to play "gardener" once a month or so, but also refuses to give up on it. Rather than a raging jungle greeting each visitor that happens across our humble abode, passers-by could be met with a simple flowerbed, groundcover, some shrubberies, or even grass. This “garden” does not even have boundaries which define it, which continues to propagate the jungle imagery. However, reason has not been allowed to intrude on her delusions of “gardening” grandeur. She insists that she persist to “tend” to her “garden”, like Sisyphus with his boulder…

Maybe all I need is a cherubim or a flaming sword…

The Laws of Men...

Having been inspired by the Miller Lite commercials of late, I have come up with my own set of Man Laws. These laws are enacted in order to better serve, protect, & guide my fellow man in several areas, such as (but not limited to) the following:

• Beverage consumption (kind, quantities, techniques, & mannerisms)
• Women (all ages)
• Sports (playing, observing, discussing, & supporting)
• Justice
• The Home (all aspects of a man's castle)
• Means of transportation (both public & private)
• Style (all meanings of the word)
• Women (must be mentioned more than once to stress the importance)
• Behavior (at home, work, play, & abroad)

Each of these laws may be appealed only through the proper channels & then only by men over the age of 12. Women & children are subject to the laws, but have no voice or legal opinion in respect to The Laws of Men, nor will any pleas by such parties be tolerated. Any & all questions or comments can be emailed to the following address:

kissmyass@lawsofmen.org

Questions or comments can also be submitted via the submission form on our web site, which can be found at either of the following web addresses:

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/anotherdamnhippie

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/potsmokingguitarplayingtreehugger

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/mindnumbingfemanazi
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/sillyassbiatch

Please use your own discression in choosing the correct address form to address your concerns. All submissions & emails will be responded to each Leap Day from 08:00 until 08:00:01 GMT.

Let The Laws of Men

 henceforth be known & observed, for the betterment of all mankind...

1. A man shall never drink Zima...a womanly beverage at best, any man partaking in a Zima shall have his manhood come into question immediately upon the discovery...
2. On a date, a man shall open all doors & always pay the tab, completely, for all meals or activities (however, if said date is a femi-nazi, the Lemon Law should be invoked...if Femi-nazi status is discovered after the standard applicable time-limit, the Lemon Law may still be invoked, as the late discovery of Femi-nazi status constitutes meeting the "real" woman for the first time, in effect beginning the date all over again)...
3. Gingers can never be trusted...the introduction of a Ginger into a non-Ginger group is punishable by the most sever actions...
4. One should always walk while golfing if given the option...
5. Real men drink by the handle...
6. Often times, the best drinks are not the best known...
7. If you can't make "retard" jokes in front of actual retards, you shouldn't be making "retard" jokes...
8. Insolent women must be punished by their keepers...
9. You should wear at least one article of Argyle at all times...
10. A man shall never uses his cell phone to call someone while at a sporting event...
11. A man shall never wave at the camera while attending a ball game...
12. If your kids deserve to be hit…hit them
13. If you don't laugh while watching Mind of Mencia, you are retarded...
14. All girls like to be spanked...they just don't admit it...
15. No man shall ever utter the word “Giddy”…
16. Real men like country music…
17. It is perfectly acceptable for a man to “tune-out” a woman if in the midst of an incoherent mind-boggling rant…
18. Speedo swimsuits are never to be worn, unless Olympic medals are involved…
19. No mans shall ever travel with more than one carry-on size piece of luggage of no more than 1.8 cubic feet…the only exceptions being if golf clubs are involved…
20. It is always acceptable for a man to cannonball into a pool…anywhere…anytime…
21. Henceforth, “Jack & Jill” showers are abolished…
22. A man shall never explain nor apologize for not calling another man back…
23. Pets shall never where clothes…
24. If a man’s friend calls him at 3 a.m., he must pick up that friend wherever he is…no questions asked…
25. No man-to-man phone call shall ever last longer than one minute & thirty seconds…
26. A man shall never complain that another man “never calls him anymore”…
27. If you spill it, you refill it…
28. The wearing of socks with sandals is strictly forbidden…
29. No man shall ever give himself his own nickname…
30. It is only OK to use another man’s remote with express verbal permission…
31. Grilling, regardless of whether, should always be first choice for cooking…
32. Holding the door for a lady is always the right thing to do…
33. No man may ever use the word “cute”, unless he is insulting another man for using the word cute…
34. If another man accidentally drinks from your beer, it is now their beer & they must get you a new one…
35. No man may ever abandon his favorite team…
36. It is perfectly normal for two men to watch an entire sporting event & never say a word to each other…
37. It is permitted that men read poetry, so long as the act is done in private, read to a women with intent to have sex, & under no circumstances is to be publicly discussed…
38. A man shall never dance for fun, unless to improve his chances with a woman…
39. If you know a man for longer than a week, his sister is off limits, no matter how hot she is…
40. Cousins & other relatives are also off limits, regardless of the degree of separation…
41. Loss of limb can only be bragged about if it occurred whilst mountain climbing, scuba diving in shark infested waters, or if you cut/gnawed it off yourself in order to escape from a landslide or cave-in…

If a tree falls in the forrest & no-one is there to hear it...

I really wish that someone could explain something to me. Out of all the peculiararities of we Americans, here are just a few that come to mind right off the bat:

• Our sports isolationism (ie: that we call our professional sports team champions in every sport "World Champions", although the only US Professionl sports with tems outside on the continental US are Baseball (Toronto Blue Jays) & Hockey (Edmonton, Calgary, Montreal, Ottawa, Vancouver)...oh, & MLS is adding an expansion Toronto team in 2007
• The fact that the United States does not usually recognize the governing bodies of sports worldwide...usually creating our own to govern US play (ie: USGA over the R&A)...with the exception of MLS, which is governed by FIFA
• The US, along with Great Britain, are the only countries in the world which does not use the metric system as it's main standard of measurement
• In every other country in world, people are taught to speak at least two languages, whereas most US pupils to only retain a single phrase from their schooling..."May I go to the bathroom?"

As I sit here watching England battle for the pride of their nation in the single most widely-viewed sporting event in the world, I can't help but ask myself why Soccer is no more popular in the United States.Soccer, known the rest of the world over as Football or Futbol (as is will be frequently referred to from here on), is arguably the single most popular sport on the planet. In many parts of the world football evokes great passions and plays an important role in the life of individual fans, local communities, and even nations; it is therefore often claimed to be the most popular sport in the world. ESPN has spread the claim that the Côte d'Ivoire national football team helped secure a truce to the nation's civil war in 2005. By contrast, however, football is widely considered to be the final proximate cause in the Football War in June 1969 between El Salvador and Honduras. The sport also exausted tensions at the beginning the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s, when a match devolved into rioting in March 1990.

Today, football is played at a professional level all over the world, and millions of people regularly go to football stadia to follow their favorite team, with billions more watching the game avidly on television. A very large number of people also play football at an amateur level. According to a survey conducted by FIFA and published in the spring of 2001, over 240 million people regularly play football in more than 200 countries in every part of the world. Its simple rules and minimal equipment requirements have no doubt aided its spread and growth in populrity.

The sport has given rise to one of the world's most popular figures, David Beckham, who's both name & face is instantly recognisable in every corner of the world. As one of the elite few who's status can be identified by a single name (joining the ranks of legends such as Pele, Madonna, Sting, Arnie, Shania, & Goodwin), Beckham's fame has even given rise to such off-field entertainment as the 2004 cult film "Bend It Like Beckham". With appearances may be better described as a phenomenon, Beckham is perhaps rivaled by only one man as the most recognisable figure on the planet...Tiger.

Dispite all of this, football has not reached soaring heights of popularity in the US, as it has the rest of the world over. Upon the loss of the US national team to Ghana on this past Friday, one of the ESPN analysists made a statement which I believe summed-up this quandry quite well...

"One player from the Ghana national team made a comment before the game that every player on their team would die to win the World Cup, because of what it would mean to Ghana & the whole of Africa...I don't think that anyone on the US team would even pretend to entertain that thought..."

Simply put, of those in the US who even know today that the US is out of the World Cup, only a fraction of them even care. I would venture to guess that well over half of the US population was even aware that the World Cup is being held, nevermind that the US national team had qualified. I'd bet many wouldn't even be able to tell you what the World Cup even was. A majority would no doubt be surprised to know that the World Cup was held in the United States in 1994 (as well as the Women's World Cup in 2003), during which the average attendance of nearly 69,000 shattered a record that had stood since 1950. The total attendance for the final tournament of nearly 3.6 million remains the greatest in World Cup history...yet most seem to not know anything about it...

If you think about it, who among you didn't play soccer as a child? Regardless of whether it was on a travelling team or on a town league (playing only other kids from the same town), I'm willing to bet that most of you have memories of soccer in your past. I'd be interested to know an exact percentage, but I would venture a guess that a majority of childen in the US play soccer on a team of some sort at one point in their childhood (admit it...you all remember the orange slices, practices with the team, & soccer moms...)

Maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that there was no professional soccer league in the US until the creation of the MLS in 1993. Baseball is only America's past-time because, since it's inception, people could go and catch a game down at the local ballpark. We route for our home team, revel in their victories, & feel the pain of their losses. Although, baseball fans in Boston & Chicago (north side) may be the only fans that come close to understanding how soccer is entwined with the lives of fans around the world. Particularly in Great Britain, where The FA Premeir League (UK's Primary soccer league) reins supreme.

Promoted as "The Greatest Show On Earth", the FA Premier League is the world's most popular and most watched sporting league, followed worldwide by over a billion people. Over 260 foreign players compete in the league, and 101 stars from England's domestic leagues competed in the 2002 World Cup in Korea and Japan. It is widely watched overseas, with matches being shown in over 150 countries. In Great Britain itself, many people travel back to their childhood home-towns every weekend to cheer for the local teams for which they have loved all of their lives. Victories are invigorating. Loses are crushing. Teams are a source of local & regional pride, as well as a source of emense economic power (The Premier League is the most lucrative football league in the world, with total club revenues of over £1.3 billion in 2004–05, more than 40% above its nearest competitor). On a national level, not even the Olympic Games can rival the World Cup in terms of the amount of national pride on the line with every match. Only those who lived & died under the one of the two curses (that of The Bambino & The Billygoat), out of everyone in the nation, even come close to understanding...& then probably not quite to the extent to what British soccer fans live through every season.

Whatever your feelings towards soccer, you can't deny that it's popularity is steadily growing in the US & has been for some time. Although still in relative infancy compared to other American professional sporting leagues, MLS continues to gain interest & grow it's fan base with each passing season. This may be best described, in fact, by the comments made in a recent interview with Drew Carey (not only a season ticket-holder of the MLS Los Angeles Galaxy, but also follows the American national team as a press photographer, and sells his images via wire services under a pseudonym & is currently in Germany attending the World Cup matches):

"...I hope that it gets better for us every World Cup. Professional soccer in the US is getting better every year and one of these days it’s going to be the USA (winning the World Cup), I hate to tell you. It might be eight years from now, it might be twelve years from now, but you can’t stop a train, man. We are getting stronger all the time and I don’t see it stopping. It’s going to be pretty soon and think it will be really good for the sport all over the world."

5 Years later...

What happens on the day you propose, will happen again on your fifth anniversary...

If It Ain't Scottish...It's Crap... (aka: damn those Hollywood bastards & their creative license turned another great book into a crappy movie)...

I don't know why I was supprised. Everyone always says that when a movie is made out of a novel, it is always dissappointing. I guess it is just the optimist in me...I literally could not put the book down (finishing it in only a week), & couldn't wait to see the movie...but alas...I could not have been more dissappointed...

Needless to say, I speak of The Da Vinci Code...

Utterly dissappointed in the movie. Which again, shouldn't really surprise me. Hollywood did the exact same thing to me in the film version of my absolute favorite novel, The Count of Monte Cristo. They butchered that one too, much to my dismay...

WARNING...the below contains "spoilers", which may ruin the movie for you, if you continue to read the following rants

The first scene in the movie, which they added, I didn't actually mind. Although it is not detailed in the novel, it is said tht he was the keynote speaker at a lecture. We are introduced to Harvard religious symbologist Robert Langdon, who is at a slide show/book signing in ParisThe slides set up one of the themes of the movie about looking closely at and understanding what you see. He shows a series of image fragments, asks the audience to describe their meaning, then shows the complete image to demonstrate how the eye and the brain can be fooled. The scene in the movie actually set the table nicely for the story. Great way to kick off the movie. However, that is where it stopped.

The movie rushed through the whole Louvre depiction much too quickly (see picture at right of The Louvre, with it's 2 famous pyramids - the first being more obvious than the second, which is inverted). They skipped over key plot points & made it seem that Langdon recognized the Vitruvian Man immediately, which he did not in the novel. It was actually Sophie that enlightened Langdon on the fact, after he had lamented over it for some time (nor did he discover the backwards writing of Da Vinci , either...another point discovered by the Sophie in the novel). The entire Louvre portion seemed careless, if you ask me.

There were also several other scenes which were altered in the film version:

• The film makes it seem that the Bishop of Opus Dei has an evil intent & is in collusion with a "Shadow Council" of the Vatican. It is the exact oposite in the novel. I now see why so many members of Opus Dei are up in arms over their portrayal. In the novel, Opus Dei was merely used as the unknowing pawn of "The Teacher" under the guise of the preservation of their religious sect. If I were a member of Opus Dei, I'd be pissed too...
• The film version comletely makes up Bezu Fache's ulterior motives in the story...
• The film version fabricated the scene where Langdon & Sophie descend to the secret room below Roslyn & fild the Sangreal Documents...never happened in the novel at all...
• The film said that Jacques Saunière was not Sophie's grandfather, but kept the part about her grandmother, & totally omitted her long lost brother, not to mentioned the way that they met...
• The scene where the entire Priory mysteriosly appears at Roslyn never happened in the novel...& for good reason...stupid...
• The film omitted the conversation between Sophie's grandmother & Langdon, where she shows him what the last clue meant (at one time), and explains about Sophie's family & the accident.......not to mention that the film states that Sophie's grandmother told her that Jacques Saunière dies taking the location of the tomb with him....lies, all lies...
• In the film version, they leave out the romance that blossoms between Langdon & Sophie, as well as the the plans they make to see each other in Italy the next month...
• ...and the hole stupid water to wine joke was another film fabrication....crap...
• In the novel, Langdon does not come to realize the true nature of the Holy Grail on his own...the grandmother enlightens him...

I have listed only a few...a few of many. It is just too bad. Although it may seem OK for those who have not read the novel, for those who did & were anxious to see the movie, it was a dissappointment. What makes it hard to accept, is that they did not need to change anythig. The book did an excellent job at telling the story that it's author laid out. It did not hide nay mjeanings, which the movie would have to change around in order to better explain. It was great the way it was written. But the screenplay turned it to crap.

I will say this, however...for those of you who haven't the time to read & will not take up the novel, I highly suggest seeing the film. It is a story of utter fascination for most everyone & can't help to put questions in your head about everything that you grew up believing in...although many historians & critics argue the factual content, you can't help but think "well...why not?"...

For myself, I would tend to believe this over what the historians say...what the hell do they know anyway...

Maybe they should have had a Scott write the screenplay...

Wine & Crackers...

Having long been a sceptic of of the Holy (& often hypocritical) Church of Rome, as well as a avid history buff, I am frequently intrigued by tales & accounts regarding it's origins & past. Whether it be the true history of Christmas, The "Holy" Crusades, The Holy Grail, or any other Catholic mythology, they all seem to peak my interest. Not for the meaning why the Church of Rome would intend, but mainly due to the fact that not only are most Catholic beliefs built on...let's say less than the full truth. In fact, I believe that the Catholic Church has, for almost 2,000 years, hidden truths & persecuted others in an attempt to further it propogate it's own power...& it has done so very successfully at that...

Now you must understand that I am not saying that I do not believe in the baby Jesus or his relationship to the Almighty. I do, as well as many of the other histories surrounding him & his equantances. However, with that being said, I also believe that the Catholic Church has committed an unthinkable amount of crimes against an even greater amount of people through-out history in order to enhance it's degree of power over the course of civilization following the death of Christ.

Please do not be deterred by the religous & historical rhetoric which follows shortly. Many of you may not be familiar with my fondness of the histories, but there is actually little else that peaks my interest & passion to the extent to which they do. Although I may ramble a bit, please humor me & read on...I'll try to get back to my usual humor towards the end...

But I digress...I will most likey delve into a few of the mysteries of the Church of Rome over the coming weeks, such as Christmas not really being the birthday of Christ, Papal Infaliablity, The Knights Templar, or man's single greatest edited work (& also the top selling book of all time)...The Bible...among other topics...Don't worry, they'll be spread out as not to bore...

But tonight, I would like to discuss what is the backbone of most Judeo-Christian ethics...The Ten Commandments.

Let me first say that I do, generally speaking, believe that the Commandments are how one should go about there lives. The famed Ten Commandments (also referred to as the "Decalogue"), as given unto Moses as told in the Book of Exodus (20: 2-17), are a list of religious and moral imperatives which, according to religious tradition, were written by God and given to Moses on Mount Sinai in the form of two stone tablets. However, did you know that there were/are actually two different sets of Ten Commandments?

The Decalogue is actually comprised of two distinct lists given in the Torah (aka- Old Testament): The Ethical Decalogue (the conventional commandments we all know & love) & the Ritual Decalogue.

The Ritual Decalogue is the list of commandments in Exodus 34. As they concern points of ritual, rather than ethics, they are viewed as having minor significance compared to the Ethical Decalogue. Consequently, although the Ritual Decalogue appears in the text at the point where God inscribes the Ten Commandments into the two stone tablets, and it is they rather than the Ethical Decalogue which are identified as the Ten Commandments, it is the Ethical Decalogue which is commonly believed to be inscribed on the tablets.[1]

Due to the lack of religious importance placed on the Ritual Decalogue in modern times, the majority of discussion concerning it exists within academic circles. While a portion of the decalogue, discussing the position of other gods, idols, and a day of rest, is similar to the Ethical Decalogue, the majority of the commandments are quite different. To paraphrase,

1. Worship no other god than Yahweh: Make no covenant with the inhabitants of other lands to which you go, do not intermarry with them, and destroy their places of worship.

   Yahweh is Hebrew name for the God of Israel, or The Tetragrammaton. The Tetragrammaton (Greek: τετραγράμματον; "word with four letters") is the usual reference to the Hebrew name for God, which is spelt(in the Hebrew Alphabet): י י (yodh) ה (heh) ו (vav) ה (heh) or יהוה (YHWH). It is the distinctive personal name of the God of Israel. In Judaism, the Tetragrammaton is the ineffable name of God, and is therefore not to be read aloud. In the reading aloud of the scripture or in prayer, it is replaced with Adonai ("My Lords", commonly rendered as "the Lord"). Other written forms such as י (yod) ו (vav) (YW or Yaw); or י (yod) ה (heh) (YH or Yah) are read in the same way. Jehovah is an English transcription of the Biblical Hebrew name יְהוָֹה. Today the English transcription "Jehovah" is used by many English speaking Protestant Christians and also by Jehovah's Witnesses, however, most modern scholars believe that the English transcription "Jehovah" does not accurately represent God's name in the English language. Some, but not all modern scholars believe that the original pronunciation of the Tetragrammaton may have been lost somewhere in the first millennium, when the Jewish people stopped saying the Name, out of fear of violating the commandment "You shall not take the name of YHWH your God in vain" (Exodus 20:7). Instead of YHWH or Jehovah, the expression "the LORD" (with the word "LORD" in all capital letters) has commonly been used in most English-language Bible translations.[1]

2. Observe the Feast of Unleavened Bread for seven days in the month of Abib.
3. Sacrifice firstborn male animals to Yahweh. The firstborn of a donkey may be redeemed; redeem firstborn sons.
4. Do no work or even kindle a fire on the seventh day. Anyone who does so will be put to death.
5. Observe the Feast of First Fruits and the Feast of Ingathering: All males are therefore to appear before Yahweh three times each year.
6. Do not mix sacrificial blood with leavened bread.
7. Do not let the fat of offerings remain until the morning.
8. Bring the choicest first fruits of the harvest to the Temple of Yahweh.
9. Do not cook a goat in its mother's milk.[1]

These Commandments just don't have the same ring to them, do they...

The more commonly known Ten Commandments, or Ethical Decalogue, are basically God's laws by which one should live one's life...or so the Church would teach. Each religion interperets the Ten Commandments with their own slight variation.

The following is the text of the commonly accepted (by Christian and Jewish authorities) commandments as found in the book of Exodus:

"God spoke all these words, saying: I am the Lord your God,who brought you out of Egypt, from the place of slavery. Do not have any other gods before Me. Do not represent [such] gods by any carved statue or picture of anything in the heaven above, on the earth below, or in the water below the land. Do not bow down to [such gods] or worship them. I am God your Lord, a God who demands exclusive worship. Where My enemies are concerned, I keep in mind the sin of the fathers for [their] descendants, to the third and fourth [generation]. But for those who love Me and keep My commandments, I show love for thousands [of generations]. Do not take the name of God your Lord in vain. God will not allow the one who takes His name in vain to go unpunished. Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. You can work during the six weekdays and do all your tasks. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to God your Lord. Do not do anything that constitutes work. [This includes] you, your son, your daughter, your slave, your maid, your animal, and the foreigner in your gates. It was during the six weekdays that God made the heaven, the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. God therefore blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. Honor your father and mother. You will then live long on the land that God your Lord is giving you. Do not commit murder. Do not commit adultery. Do not steal. Do not testify as a false witness against your neighbor. Do not be envious of your neighbor's house. Do not be envious of your neighbor's wife, his slave, his maid, his ox, his donkey, or anything else that is your neighbor's." (Exodus 20)[1]

• The first 3 commandments govern the relationship between God and humans
• The next group of commandments govern public relationships between people
• The last two commandments govern private thoughts

So in the spirit of understanding the proper interpritation...

1. "Thou shall have no other gods besides Me..." - That's right...Tiger Woods is NOT a god...
   
2. "Thou shalt not make a sculpted image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above..." - yeah...I hate bobbleheads too...
   
3. "Thou shall not swear falsely by the name of the LORD..." - I hope he doesn't consider what my wife was moaning last night to be in vain...
   
4. "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy" - Golf is holy...right?
5. "Thou shall honour your father and your mother..." - Sorry...got nothin' for this one
   
6. "Thou shall not murder" - Unless you call if the Holy Crusades, the Holy Inquisition, or simply refuse to acknowledge that it occurred...regardless of the atrosities...point in case, the Vatican's stance during The Holocaust:
   

   • In October 1941 Harold Tittman, a U.S. delegate to the Vatican, asked Pope Pius XII to condemn the atrocities against Jews; Pius replied that the Vatican wished to remain "neutral,"
   • In May 1942, Kazimierz Papée, Polish ambassador to the Vatican, complained that Pius had failed to condemn the recent wave of atrocities in Poland; when Cardinal Secretary of State Maglione replied that the Vatican could not document individual atrocities.
   • In August 1942, by which time it has been estimated than 200,000 Ukrainian Jews had been killed, in response to a letter from Andrej Septyckyj, Pius advised Septyckyj to "bear adversity with serene patience" .
     
   • On 18 September 1942, Monsignor Giovanni Battista Montini (who would later become Pope Paul VI), wrote to Pius, "the massacres of the Jews reach frightening proportions and forms." The Cardinal Secretary of State of the Vatican replied that the "rumors" about crimes committed against Jews could not be verified.
     
   • In December 1942, when Tittman Cardinal Secretary of State Maglione was asked if the Pius would issue a proclamation simialar to the Allied declaration "German Policy of Extermination of the Jewish Race," Maglione replied that the Vatican was "unable to denounce publicly particular atrocities."
   • In late 1942, when it became clear that an allied victory over the Nazis was inevitable, Pius XII advised German and Hungarian bishops that speaking out against the massacre of the Jews would be politically advantageous.
     
   • On April 7, 1943, Cardinal Tardini, one of Pius’s closest advisors, told Pius that it would be politically advantageous after the war to take steps to help Slovakian Jews [1]

7. Thou should not commit adultery" - funny, it doesn't mention anything about young alter boys...
   
8. "Thou shall not steal." - My wife must not have heard this one...she stole my heart...
   
9. "Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor" - Unless they're a witch...
   
10. "Thou shall not covet..." - The fear of every spoiled little only-child...("I want one...")

Sorry if this was more of a serious rant than I am normally prone to. I've been on a kick like since since I started reading The Da Vinci Code...Props to Wikipedia...








[1]: Wikipedia

Maybe God's Warming up to me...

So...anyone that knows me well, realizes how awesome I am. However, sadly enough, those poor souls whom have not had the good fortune to get to know me beyond the occasional transaction, may be lacking the insight into my true being. A gaze into the stained-glass window that is my life, showing my inner most frailties...and how God hates me...

It is well documented. God has never really liked me. Just a few examples from my storied youth:

1. The time during High School baseball when I lost the game single handedly by throwing the ball away like a moron (I was always a much better hitter than a fielder)
2. I started working at the Thompson Country Club Golf Course in the fifth grade & managed to save enough money to buy my first car all on my own when I got my license...& then totalled it later that year...
3. I once qualified for the finals of the Massachusetts Junior Amateur Golf Championship...& then promtly shot a crowd pleasing 103 to take myself right out of it in the first round...
   
4. Somehow putting the thought in my head that I shouldn't dump Jen so I could have my shot with Jane Metzinger...
   
5. Worse yet...making me date Jen for 3+ years in the first place...& never letting me get past first base
   
6. Having Gloria Mayfield actually call home to ask why I wanted out of chorus (I had forged a letter from my mother to get myself out of it)
   
7. Or the time when I got my finger stuck in the grocery market conveyer belt (yeah....it hurt)

Yeah...God likes to f*ck with me. Takes some more recent events:

1. Every year, my "loving" wife leaves me, right around the time of my birthday, for 2 weeks to volunteer at a place where at least one of their un-paid volunteers cry every year...and can never understand why it bothers me to practically not see her for two weeks, as I come home every day from my miserable job to an empty house & another night of loneliness while she is off having fun in the city...
2. How he let's me have these great rounds of golf...when nobody's with me...I always play great when I am all alone on the golf course...(notice the "alone" theme)
3. We finally get a home equity loan in order to build an addition to the house (which we thought would be the hard part), but then we couldn't find a 10x10 room for less than $70,000
4. I finally picked up my new Titleist driver after 3+ weeks of waiting for the specially ordered shaft (when they told me it would take one), & they put the wrong shaft in it...
   

However, things may be picking up...

Sometimes God throws you a little bone here & there. The latest example beingng the other day, when I was attempting to put my new soft top onto my Wrangler. I was in a race against time to get the new top on before it started to rain. He did throw a few hurdles my way...first the dealership gave me the wrong screws for the brackets. Upon going back to the dealership, they only had two of the correct ones. So I took those to just get the top going. Now off to Sears to buy the #40 Torx head bit needed to install the screws. Got it. Now to work...Then the #40 Torx head bit that the manual said to use didn't fit. I then went back to Sears to buy a new (& correct) #30 Torx head, brought it home...& the bit didn't fit my wratchet. You guessed it...back to Sears to buy a wratchet to fit the bit.

After all of this, I finally managed to get the top on just as the first sprinkles were beginning to fall...

Who's better than me?!?

So that got me thinking...maybe things are looking up!?! Not only did the top that I had just installed only cost me $200 (retails @ $1500+), but God didn't smite me on this day as has been tradition. This is awesome...maybe I'm off of the universe's black-list. That would be awesome!

My life is pretty awesome! I have good friends, a decent job, a decent golf game, my kitchen is finally being renovated (taking out that damn wall between the two rooms), & I'm pretty damn good-looking to boot!

Plus...here's the mini-cherry, on top of the regular cherry, on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life...I get to go home every day to this...

Sometimes it takes something as simple as the rain holding off for a few minutes to make you remember how awesome your life is...

Tito pisses me off so damn much...

If you take a second & think about those fabled Major League Baseball teams which all fans can recall with fondness, you will find one thing in common with each of them. They all had core group of starters. All of the great teams had an every-day starter for every possition, and then a group of non-starting reserve players who would come in to play off of the bench or fill in for a start on occassion in order to give the actual starter a day off to releax & recooperate.

Take for example the '86 Red Sox. I guarantee any fan can ramble off the names of the starting line-up from that season without a second thought:

• 1B: Bill Buckner
• 2B: Marty Barett
• SS: Spike Owen
• 3B: Wade Boggs
• C: Rich Gedman
• LF: Jim Rice
• CF: Dave Henderson
• RF: Dwight Evans
  

The team normally has reserve players to cover every possition, but as the starters are better qualified or more accomplished players, the reserve players are just that...in reserve. There just in case they are needed. I mean, I was a big fan of Mike Greenwell. He may have played the wall better than most others that have graced the turf in front of the Green Monster , but Jim Rice was better. Therefore, Rice was the starter.

All throughout sports, from little league to college, kids strive to be the better player at whichever possition they play, in whatever sport they participate in, because of that one simple rule. The better players get to start the games & end-up getting more playing time.

But apparently Terry Francona (aka: "Tito")knows better than everyone else throughout history. Tito likes to platoon his players. So rather than having the core, stable defense behind the pitcher, Tito alternates players every game. He has done so for the entirty of his tenure as Red Sox Manager. It is a horrible magerial style. Regardless of the team's success over the past few years, he is a horrible manager. He has made some horrible managing decisions since taking the helm (with some more questionable than Grady Little's decision in the deciding game 7 of the 2003 ALCS to not remove Pedro Martínez after seven strong innings, when he began to show signs of tiring...costing us the game & the season)


Can someone please explain to me what Terry Francona is thinking about doing his platooning crap, again, with Youkilis & JT Snow? How can he justify not starting JT Snow, a 15 year (give or take) veteran with 6 gold glove awards & who has been a starting first baseman for his entire career? JT Snow is arguably the best defensive first baseman in the majors & he has played in less than half of the games this season! Didn't Theo Epstein state that he made these infield pick-ups to boost the defense that had been weak in previous years?

Tito did the same damn thing in 2004 after Theo traded for Doug Mientkiewicz, another gold glove winning first baseman who was (at the time) the best defensive first baseman in the American League. Even after his mid-season acquisition, both Kevin Millar & Dave McCarty played in more games than Mientkiewicz.

Sidenote: Thank God that Millar is not on the Red Sox anymore

I don't understand how someone how someone with Snow's resume, who has been starting day in & day out for teams that have been competitive more than the Red Sox have over the past decade (although it pains me to think of the Sox as not being competitive) is not good enough for Tito...and also make you question his managerial capabilities...at least in my eyes.

Tito's problem is that he plays favorites, his favorites, regardless of their abilities, short-comings, or amount of errors made. Take for example, the blundering Mark Belhorn. Quite possibly the worst defensive second baseman to ever dawn a professional uniform. Tito played Belhorn loyally for 128 games at second base. To the contrary, Pokey Reese, yet another gold glove winning player that the club had acquired to strengthen the defense at second base, played in only 34 games.

Maybe Francona just has something against Gold Glove winning players...

And now, some Red Sox trivia for my faithful readers:

Founded: 1899, as the Buffalo franchise in the minor Western League. Moved to Boston when that league became the major American League in 1901.

Team Name: Boston Red Sox (see "Nicknames before Red Sox"below)

Current ownership: John Henry and Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino, who paid $660 million and assumed $400 million in debt, in February 2002. The purchase includes Fenway Park and 82 percent of NESN. The purchase price set a record for a major league baseball franchise.

Current payroll: For 2005, payroll was about $123.5 million, over $80 million less than that of the New York Yankees. For 2004, payroll was about $127 million, $57 million shy of the New York Yankees. In both of these years, the Red Sox had the second-highest total payroll in MLB. (NOTE: The numbers cited are actually the payroll of the team at the start of the each seaons. Payrolls can change due to mid-season personnel changes, including trades, promotion of minor league players, waiver, etc.)

Home ballpark: Fenway Park (April 20, 1912 - Present), Braves Field (1929 - 1932 Sundays, 1915 - 1916 World Series), Huntington Avenue Grounds (1901-1911). Fenway is the oldest ballpark in baseball. The Red Sox ownership group has recently committed to keeping the team at Fenway for years to come; plans are already under way for the first ballpark centennial celebration in MLB history in 2012.

Logo design: Two hanging red socks with white heels and toes, over a white baseball surrounded by the words Boston and Red Sox. The word "Boston" is in navy blue outlined in red, the words "Red Sox" are in red outlined in navy blue, and the entire logo is surrounded by a thick red circle. Recently the team has begun phasing in a new logo that removes the outline, text and baseball, leaving only the pair of red socks.

Theme Song: None officially, but several "unofficial" theme songs exist:

• played after each victory at Fenway Park: "Dirty Water" by The Standells.
• played after "Dirty Water" and for rallies during a game: The Dropkick Murphys' 2004 rewrite of "Tessie." The original "Tessie" was a Broadway tune, which Boston fans adopted during the 1903 World Series and sang regularly until 1916.

Championships and Pennants:

Playoff appearances (18): 1903, 1904, 1912, 1915, 1916, 1918, 1946, 1967, 1975, 1986, 1988, 1990, 1995, 1998, 1999, 2003, 2004, 2005

Handicapped Parking Only

Now let me preface this post by saying that I have absolutely no predjudices against our elder community & furthermore have the upmost respect for old people, no matter what their stage of senility.

Now to the point...

I can't believe that I am the only person who has come to the following conclusions. Honestly, it chills me to the bone just to think of it. It is a danger to every person who steps foot outside of their door...

Now seriously...who else out there sees the problem with the theory of "Handicapped Drivers"? It is not just about the prime parking spaces in front of every building, but that is a major part of my point. These are people who claim that they are not able to walk farther than the closest available parking spot when entering or leaving a building, but we are to believe that they can operate a motor vehicle properly?

Here is what the RMV states as being the eligibilty standards for obtaining a disibility plate or placard:

To obtain Disability Plates, a Placard or a Disability Veteran Plate you must be a Massachusetts resident. In addition, a Massachusetts registered and licensed physician, chiropractor or nurse practitioner must certify that you meet one of the following conditions:

• Cannot walk 200 feet without stopping to rest.
• Cannot walk without the assistance of another person, prosthetic aid or other assistive device.
• Are restricted by lung disease to such a degree that your forced (respiratory) expiratory volume (FEV) in one second, when measured by spirometry, is less than one (1) liter.
• Use portable oxygen.
• Have a Class III cardiac condition according to the standards set by the American Heart Association.
• Have a Class IV cardiac condition according to the standards set by the American Heart Association. A customer in this condition must surrender his or her license.....isn't that comforting
• Have Class III or Class IV functional arthritis according to the standards set by the American College of Rheumatology.
• Have Stage III or Stage IV anatomic arthritis according to the standards set by the American College of Rheumatology.
• Have been declared legally blind (please attach copy of certification). A customer in this classification must surrender his or her license...again, at least there are standards
  
• Have lost one or more limbs or permanently lost the use of one or more limbs.

To be eligible for a Temporary Placard, the medical professional must certify that the disability is predicted to last at least two (2) months.

I mean no ill-will towards those who shuttle the handicapped back & forth from their bridge games & bingo tournaments, for they only benefit from the parking spaces. My problem is with the handicapped that drive themselves. How is it that someone who has been deemed to have a physical disability can be expected to hit the brakes fast enough to avoid hitting the little kid who runs out after the bouncing ball? How are we sure they can see that the light is red?...or even that there is a light at all??? I'm sorry, but if you can't walk 200 feet without stopping (for comparison, that is 66.67 yards), you should not be driving a car.

Again, I realize that there are exceptions. There are a great amount of people who have disablity plates or placards for the sole purpose of carting their loved ones to & from the senior center (although, I have heard that those mixers can get pretty wild...). Such people do, in fact, have a burden to bear & they have my sympathy. But the others...they are menice to society at large & must be stopped at all cost. After all, isn't that what the GLSS is for?

If you know someone who should not be on the road, there are people that can help you. Click here for information. The life you save could be your own...

How is it that something like this can happen...

Every child who attends sunday school is taught one overshadowing principle...if you are a good person, good things will happen to you. Take for example, the golden rule:

Do onto others as you would have done onto you

The one singular principle which is taught to every youngin', throughout history, is just that. If you say "Thank you" every time that someone gives you your Venti Sugar-Free Vanilla Late at Starbucks, say "God bless you" every time a person sneezes (no matter who the person is), and stop the line of traffic to let people turn left into/out of their driveway that you will be rewarded. In Buddhism , it is called Kharma. Doing good deeds, as listed above, earns you good Kharma. Doing bad deeds, earns you bad Kharma, & a one way ticket to Hell's Kitchen (not the one in New York). This is what "they" preech.

What they don't actually tell you, is what is actually detailed in The Bible. Take, for example, this out-take from the book of Job (YES, please read the whole verse

1: There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God, and turned away from evil.
2: There were born to him seven sons and three daughters.
3: He had seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she-asses, and very many servants; so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east.
4: His sons used to go and hold a feast in the house of each on his day; and they would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them.
5: And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and sanctify them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all; for Job said, "It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts." Thus Job did continually.
6: Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came among them.
7: The LORD said to Satan, "Whence have you come?" Satan answered the LORD, "From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it."
8: And the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?"
9: Then Satan answered the LORD, "Does Job fear God for nought?
10: Hast thou not put a hedge about him and his house and all that he has, on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land.
11: But put forth thy hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse thee to thy face."
12: And the LORD said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your power; only upon himself do not put forth your hand." So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
13: Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house;
14: and there came a messenger to Job, and said, "The oxen were plowing and the asses feeding beside them;
15: and the Sabe'ans fell upon them and took them, and slew the servants with the edge of the sword; and I alone have escaped to tell you."
16: While he was yet speaking, there came another, and said, "The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants, and consumed them; and I alone have escaped to tell you."
17: While he was yet speaking, there came another, and said, "The Chalde'ans formed three companies, and made a raid upon the camels and took them, and slew the servants with the edge of the sword; and I alone have escaped to tell you."
18: While he was yet speaking, there came another, and said, "Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house;
19: and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness, and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead; and I alone have escaped to tell you."
20: Then Job arose, and rent his robe, and shaved his head, and fell upon the ground, and worshiped.
21: And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return; the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
22: In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

In case you have missed the moral of this story, Job was a good, God- fearing man. For no other reason than to prove a point to SATAN, God killed Job's entire family. devasted his livestock, & gave him THE PLAGUE!!! All to prove a damn point.

Now it may be the Rum talking (many, many, many glasses of Rum), but how is it that God can do that to someone? How can he take a perfectly decent person & do something horrible to them? How can he make someone so wonderful so unhappy? How is that fair? Good people are not supposed to have bad things happen to them for no reason. If you're a good person, good things are supposed to happen to you. How can he take someone that sweet & nice & make them feel that way.

How can he do that to someone as wonderful as she is...?