Couldn't have said it better myself...

It's a rare person who can find the perfect expression of one's self....

Boom De Yada...

This song has just stuck in my head since the first time I saw the commercial while watching Man vs Wild......been singing it in my office for the past two weeks or so...

oh...and Bear rocks...

Two for the price of one...

The only thing that has ever made me this happy was the night that she said yes........before she threw-up...

It's a good thing that Eve wasn't the actual gardener...

So what is it with women & gardens...?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that gardens are supposed to be beautiful, peaceful, & relaxing...full of artfully planned flowering plants, a tranquil water feature, or perhaps a carefully trimmed bush...

When we men think of gardens at our homes, most of us picture the quaint silhouette of the female English gardener…y’all know what I’m talking about…the fair-haired beautiful young woman, daintily gliding around her garden in your favorite string-bikini, bending over to your delight as she tends to her bosoms…I mean blossoms…

But however you picture your gardener, there is generally one thing in common…tending to the garden…why we men imagine our women tending to our gardens probably goes back to our dominant images of wives as the mothers of our children…

“Though all his life a fool associates with a wise man, he no more comprehends the Truth than a spoon tastes the flavor of the soup…”

-Dhammapada

Since the dawn of time, women have ruined gardens for man…no wonder they are thought of as womanly…from the very first man & the very first woman, in the very first garden…the woman has destroyed the image of gardens for man throughout the ages.

In the Garden of Eden story, God molds Adam from the dust of the Earth, then forms Eve from one of Adam's ribs and places them both in the garden, east of Eden. God charges both Adam and Eve to tend the garden in which they live, and specifically commands Adam not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, a tree peculiarly pleasing to the eye. In the narrative Eve is quizzed by the serpent why she avoids eating of this tree. In the dialogue between the two, Eve childishly elaborates on the commandment not to eat of its fruit. She says that even if she touches the tree she would die. Psychologically the Serpent induces in her a state of inferiority. Eve is then filled with desire to be like God and have wisdom and knowledge. She and Adam then eat the fruit. Adam becomes aware of his "nakedness" and ashamed, hides from God. God finds them, confronts them, and judges them with a sentence of "death", beginning with the serpent first, then Eve, then Adam. God then expels them from the garden because they have disobeyed Him by eating the forbidden fruit. In order to guarantee the punishment of death and to keep Adam and Eve from partaking of the Tree of Life, (which would give them perpetual life), God places cherubim to guard against any entrance into the garden with an omnidirectional "flaming" sword, preventing Adam and Eve from returning in the future.

Here we not only see the reasons for man’s disdain of gardening, but also why women are the downfall of man-kind…but I digress…

If you are one of the lucky few having the good fortune to stroll down Magnolia Lane, you have been witness to the spectacle of the Augusta National magnolia garden in the distance. Those of you fortunate enough to have strolled the length of our leisurely drive have undoubtedly witnessed a similar phenomenon. I like to call it…”The Amazon”. Much like the majestic magnolias of Augusta National, my wife’s garden also flowers…for at least one entire day each calendar year. Not that it is entirely her fault. She is lacking that o-so-crucial element of free time (& motivation). That is why people have gardeners, because that is what they do all day…tend to gardens. Most people, between work, family, & the other house/yard work, simply neglect their garden.

Where my wife goes wrong, is that she likes to play "gardener" once a month or so, but also refuses to give up on it. Rather than a raging jungle greeting each visitor that happens across our humble abode, passers-by could be met with a simple flowerbed, groundcover, some shrubberies, or even grass. This “garden” does not even have boundaries which define it, which continues to propagate the jungle imagery. However, reason has not been allowed to intrude on her delusions of “gardening” grandeur. She insists that she persist to “tend” to her “garden”, like Sisyphus with his boulder…

Maybe all I need is a cherubim or a flaming sword…

The Laws of Men...

Having been inspired by the Miller Lite commercials of late, I have come up with my own set of Man Laws. These laws are enacted in order to better serve, protect, & guide my fellow man in several areas, such as (but not limited to) the following:

• Beverage consumption (kind, quantities, techniques, & mannerisms)
• Women (all ages)
• Sports (playing, observing, discussing, & supporting)
• Justice
• The Home (all aspects of a man's castle)
• Means of transportation (both public & private)
• Style (all meanings of the word)
• Women (must be mentioned more than once to stress the importance)
• Behavior (at home, work, play, & abroad)

Each of these laws may be appealed only through the proper channels & then only by men over the age of 12. Women & children are subject to the laws, but have no voice or legal opinion in respect to The Laws of Men, nor will any pleas by such parties be tolerated. Any & all questions or comments can be emailed to the following address:

kissmyass@lawsofmen.org

Questions or comments can also be submitted via the submission form on our web site, which can be found at either of the following web addresses:

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/anotherdamnhippie

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/potsmokingguitarplayingtreehugger

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/mindnumbingfemanazi
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/sillyassbiatch

Please use your own discression in choosing the correct address form to address your concerns. All submissions & emails will be responded to each Leap Day from 08:00 until 08:00:01 GMT.

Let The Laws of Men

 henceforth be known & observed, for the betterment of all mankind...

1. A man shall never drink Zima...a womanly beverage at best, any man partaking in a Zima shall have his manhood come into question immediately upon the discovery...
2. On a date, a man shall open all doors & always pay the tab, completely, for all meals or activities (however, if said date is a femi-nazi, the Lemon Law should be invoked...if Femi-nazi status is discovered after the standard applicable time-limit, the Lemon Law may still be invoked, as the late discovery of Femi-nazi status constitutes meeting the "real" woman for the first time, in effect beginning the date all over again)...
3. Gingers can never be trusted...the introduction of a Ginger into a non-Ginger group is punishable by the most sever actions...
4. One should always walk while golfing if given the option...
5. Real men drink by the handle...
6. Often times, the best drinks are not the best known...
7. If you can't make "retard" jokes in front of actual retards, you shouldn't be making "retard" jokes...
8. Insolent women must be punished by their keepers...
9. You should wear at least one article of Argyle at all times...
10. A man shall never uses his cell phone to call someone while at a sporting event...
11. A man shall never wave at the camera while attending a ball game...
12. If your kids deserve to be hit…hit them
13. If you don't laugh while watching Mind of Mencia, you are retarded...
14. All girls like to be spanked...they just don't admit it...
15. No man shall ever utter the word “Giddy”…
16. Real men like country music…
17. It is perfectly acceptable for a man to “tune-out” a woman if in the midst of an incoherent mind-boggling rant…
18. Speedo swimsuits are never to be worn, unless Olympic medals are involved…
19. No mans shall ever travel with more than one carry-on size piece of luggage of no more than 1.8 cubic feet…the only exceptions being if golf clubs are involved…
20. It is always acceptable for a man to cannonball into a pool…anywhere…anytime…
21. Henceforth, “Jack & Jill” showers are abolished…
22. A man shall never explain nor apologize for not calling another man back…
23. Pets shall never where clothes…
24. If a man’s friend calls him at 3 a.m., he must pick up that friend wherever he is…no questions asked…
25. No man-to-man phone call shall ever last longer than one minute & thirty seconds…
26. A man shall never complain that another man “never calls him anymore”…
27. If you spill it, you refill it…
28. The wearing of socks with sandals is strictly forbidden…
29. No man shall ever give himself his own nickname…
30. It is only OK to use another man’s remote with express verbal permission…
31. Grilling, regardless of whether, should always be first choice for cooking…
32. Holding the door for a lady is always the right thing to do…
33. No man may ever use the word “cute”, unless he is insulting another man for using the word cute…
34. If another man accidentally drinks from your beer, it is now their beer & they must get you a new one…
35. No man may ever abandon his favorite team…
36. It is perfectly normal for two men to watch an entire sporting event & never say a word to each other…
37. It is permitted that men read poetry, so long as the act is done in private, read to a women with intent to have sex, & under no circumstances is to be publicly discussed…
38. A man shall never dance for fun, unless to improve his chances with a woman…
39. If you know a man for longer than a week, his sister is off limits, no matter how hot she is…
40. Cousins & other relatives are also off limits, regardless of the degree of separation…
41. Loss of limb can only be bragged about if it occurred whilst mountain climbing, scuba diving in shark infested waters, or if you cut/gnawed it off yourself in order to escape from a landslide or cave-in…