The Laws of Men...

Having been inspired by the Miller Lite commercials of late, I have come up with my own set of Man Laws. These laws are enacted in order to better serve, protect, & guide my fellow man in several areas, such as (but not limited to) the following:

• Beverage consumption (kind, quantities, techniques, & mannerisms)
• Women (all ages)
• Sports (playing, observing, discussing, & supporting)
• Justice
• The Home (all aspects of a man's castle)
• Means of transportation (both public & private)
• Style (all meanings of the word)
• Women (must be mentioned more than once to stress the importance)
• Behavior (at home, work, play, & abroad)

Each of these laws may be appealed only through the proper channels & then only by men over the age of 12. Women & children are subject to the laws, but have no voice or legal opinion in respect to The Laws of Men, nor will any pleas by such parties be tolerated. Any & all questions or comments can be emailed to the following address:

kissmyass@lawsofmen.org

Questions or comments can also be submitted via the submission form on our web site, which can be found at either of the following web addresses:

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/anotherdamnhippie

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/potsmokingguitarplayingtreehugger

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/mindnumbingfemanazi
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/sillyassbiatch

Please use your own discression in choosing the correct address form to address your concerns. All submissions & emails will be responded to each Leap Day from 08:00 until 08:00:01 GMT.

Let The Laws of Men

 henceforth be known & observed, for the betterment of all mankind...

1. A man shall never drink Zima...a womanly beverage at best, any man partaking in a Zima shall have his manhood come into question immediately upon the discovery...
2. On a date, a man shall open all doors & always pay the tab, completely, for all meals or activities (however, if said date is a femi-nazi, the Lemon Law should be invoked...if Femi-nazi status is discovered after the standard applicable time-limit, the Lemon Law may still be invoked, as the late discovery of Femi-nazi status constitutes meeting the "real" woman for the first time, in effect beginning the date all over again)...
3. Gingers can never be trusted...the introduction of a Ginger into a non-Ginger group is punishable by the most sever actions...
4. One should always walk while golfing if given the option...
5. Real men drink by the handle...
6. Often times, the best drinks are not the best known...
7. If you can't make "retard" jokes in front of actual retards, you shouldn't be making "retard" jokes...
8. Insolent women must be punished by their keepers...
9. You should wear at least one article of Argyle at all times...
10. A man shall never uses his cell phone to call someone while at a sporting event...
11. A man shall never wave at the camera while attending a ball game...
12. If your kids deserve to be hit…hit them
13. If you don't laugh while watching Mind of Mencia, you are retarded...
14. All girls like to be spanked...they just don't admit it...
15. No man shall ever utter the word “Giddy”…
16. Real men like country music…
17. It is perfectly acceptable for a man to “tune-out” a woman if in the midst of an incoherent mind-boggling rant…
18. Speedo swimsuits are never to be worn, unless Olympic medals are involved…
19. No mans shall ever travel with more than one carry-on size piece of luggage of no more than 1.8 cubic feet…the only exceptions being if golf clubs are involved…
20. It is always acceptable for a man to cannonball into a pool…anywhere…anytime…
21. Henceforth, “Jack & Jill” showers are abolished…
22. A man shall never explain nor apologize for not calling another man back…
23. Pets shall never where clothes…
24. If a man’s friend calls him at 3 a.m., he must pick up that friend wherever he is…no questions asked…
25. No man-to-man phone call shall ever last longer than one minute & thirty seconds…
26. A man shall never complain that another man “never calls him anymore”…
27. If you spill it, you refill it…
28. The wearing of socks with sandals is strictly forbidden…
29. No man shall ever give himself his own nickname…
30. It is only OK to use another man’s remote with express verbal permission…
31. Grilling, regardless of whether, should always be first choice for cooking…
32. Holding the door for a lady is always the right thing to do…
33. No man may ever use the word “cute”, unless he is insulting another man for using the word cute…
34. If another man accidentally drinks from your beer, it is now their beer & they must get you a new one…
35. No man may ever abandon his favorite team…
36. It is perfectly normal for two men to watch an entire sporting event & never say a word to each other…
37. It is permitted that men read poetry, so long as the act is done in private, read to a women with intent to have sex, & under no circumstances is to be publicly discussed…
38. A man shall never dance for fun, unless to improve his chances with a woman…
39. If you know a man for longer than a week, his sister is off limits, no matter how hot she is…
40. Cousins & other relatives are also off limits, regardless of the degree of separation…
41. Loss of limb can only be bragged about if it occurred whilst mountain climbing, scuba diving in shark infested waters, or if you cut/gnawed it off yourself in order to escape from a landslide or cave-in…