The Pineapple Adventure

8/22/2006

Two for the price of one...

The only thing that has ever made me this happy was the night that she said yes........before she threw-up...

8/07/2006

It's a good thing that Eve wasn't the actual gardener...

So what is it with women & gardens...?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that gardens are supposed to be beautiful, peaceful, & relaxing...full of artfully planned flowering plants, a tranquil water feature, or perhaps a carefully trimmed bush...

When we men think of gardens at our homes, most of us picture the quaint silhouette of the female English gardener…y’all know what I’m talking about…the fair-haired beautiful young woman, daintily gliding around her garden in your favorite string-bikini, bending over to your delight as she tends to her bosoms…I mean blossoms…

But however you picture your gardener, there is generally one thing in common…tending to the garden…why we men imagine our women tending to our gardens probably goes back to our dominant images of wives as the mothers of our children…

“Though all his life a fool associates with a wise man, he no more comprehends the Truth than a spoon tastes the flavor of the soup…”

-Dhammapada

Since the dawn of time, women have ruined gardens for man…no wonder they are thought of as womanly…from the very first man & the very first woman, in the very first garden…the woman has destroyed the image of gardens for man throughout the ages.

In the Garden of Eden story, God molds Adam from the dust of the Earth, then forms Eve from one of Adam's ribs and places them both in the garden, east of Eden. God charges both Adam and Eve to tend the garden in which they live, and specifically commands Adam not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, a tree peculiarly pleasing to the eye. In the narrative Eve is quizzed by the serpent why she avoids eating of this tree. In the dialogue between the two, Eve childishly elaborates on the commandment not to eat of its fruit. She says that even if she touches the tree she would die. Psychologically the Serpent induces in her a state of inferiority. Eve is then filled with desire to be like God and have wisdom and knowledge. She and Adam then eat the fruit. Adam becomes aware of his "nakedness" and ashamed, hides from God. God finds them, confronts them, and judges them with a sentence of "death", beginning with the serpent first, then Eve, then Adam. God then expels them from the garden because they have disobeyed Him by eating the forbidden fruit. In order to guarantee the punishment of death and to keep Adam and Eve from partaking of the Tree of Life, (which would give them perpetual life), God places cherubim to guard against any entrance into the garden with an omnidirectional "flaming" sword, preventing Adam and Eve from returning in the future.

Here we not only see the reasons for man’s disdain of gardening, but also why women are the downfall of man-kind…but I digress…

If you are one of the lucky few having the good fortune to stroll down Magnolia Lane, you have been witness to the spectacle of the Augusta National magnolia garden in the distance. Those of you fortunate enough to have strolled the length of our leisurely drive have undoubtedly witnessed a similar phenomenon. I like to call it…”The Amazon”. Much like the majestic magnolias of Augusta National, my wife’s garden also flowers…for at least one entire day each calendar year. Not that it is entirely her fault. She is lacking that o-so-crucial element of free time (& motivation). That is why people have gardeners, because that is what they do all day…tend to gardens. Most people, between work, family, & the other house/yard work, simply neglect their garden.

Where my wife goes wrong, is that she likes to play "gardener" once a month or so, but also refuses to give up on it. Rather than a raging jungle greeting each visitor that happens across our humble abode, passers-by could be met with a simple flowerbed, groundcover, some shrubberies, or even grass. This “garden” does not even have boundaries which define it, which continues to propagate the jungle imagery. However, reason has not been allowed to intrude on her delusions of “gardening” grandeur. She insists that she persist to “tend” to her “garden”, like Sisyphus with his boulder…

Maybe all I need is a cherubim or a flaming sword…

7/30/2006

The Laws of Men...

Having been inspired by the Miller Lite commercials of late, I have come up with my own set of Man Laws. These laws are enacted in order to better serve, protect, & guide my fellow man in several areas, such as (but not limited to) the following:

Beverage consumption (kind, quantities, techniques, & mannerisms)
Women (all ages)
Sports (playing, observing, discussing, & supporting)
Justice
The Home (all aspects of a man's castle)
Means of transportation (both public & private)
Style (all meanings of the word)
Women (must be mentioned more than once to stress the importance)
Behavior (at home, work, play, & abroad)

Each of these laws may be appealed only through the proper channels & then only by men over the age of 12. Women & children are subject to the laws, but have no voice or legal opinion in respect to The Laws of Men, nor will any pleas by such parties be tolerated. Any & all questions or comments can be emailed to the following address:

kissmyass@lawsofmen.org

Questions or comments can also be submitted via the submission form on our web site, which can be found at either of the following web addresses:

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/anotherdamnhippie

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/potsmokingguitarplayingtreehugger

http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/mindnumbingfemanazi
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/sillyassbiatch

Please use your own discression in choosing the correct address form to address your concerns. All submissions & emails will be responded to each Leap Day from 08:00 until 08:00:01 GMT.

Let The Laws of Men

henceforth be known & observed, for the betterment of all mankind...

A man shall never drink Zima...a womanly beverage at best, any man partaking in a Zima shall have his manhood come into question immediately upon the discovery...
On a date, a man shall open all doors & always pay the tab, completely, for all meals or activities (however, if said date is a femi-nazi, the Lemon Law should be invoked...if Femi-nazi status is discovered after the standard applicable time-limit, the Lemon Law may still be invoked, as the late discovery of Femi-nazi status constitutes meeting the "real" woman for the first time, in effect beginning the date all over again)...
Gingers can never be trusted...the introduction of a Ginger into a non-Ginger group is punishable by the most sever actions...
One should always walk while golfing if given the option...
Real men drink by the handle...
Often times, the best drinks are not the best known...
If you can't make "retard" jokes in front of actual retards, you shouldn't be making "retard" jokes...
Insolent women must be punished by their keepers...
You should wear at least one article of Argyle at all times...
A man shall never uses his cell phone to call someone while at a sporting event...
A man shall never wave at the camera while attending a ball game...
If your kids deserve to be hit…hit them
If you don't laugh while watching Mind of Mencia, you are retarded...
All girls like to be spanked...they just don't admit it...
No man shall ever utter the word “Giddy”…
Real men like country music…
It is perfectly acceptable for a man to “tune-out” a woman if in the midst of an incoherent mind-boggling rant…
Speedo swimsuits are never to be worn, unless Olympic medals are involved…
No mans shall ever travel with more than one carry-on size piece of luggage of no more than 1.8 cubic feet…the only exceptions being if golf clubs are involved…
It is always acceptable for a man to cannonball into a pool…anywhere…anytime…
Henceforth, “Jack & Jill” showers are abolished…
A man shall never explain nor apologize for not calling another man back…
Pets shall never where clothes…
If a man’s friend calls him at 3 a.m., he must pick up that friend wherever he is…no questions asked…
No man-to-man phone call shall ever last longer than one minute & thirty seconds…
A man shall never complain that another man “never calls him anymore”…
If you spill it, you refill it…
The wearing of socks with sandals is strictly forbidden…
No man shall ever give himself his own nickname…
It is only OK to use another man’s remote with express verbal permission…
Grilling, regardless of whether, should always be first choice for cooking…
Holding the door for a lady is always the right thing to do…
No man may ever use the word “cute”, unless he is insulting another man for using the word cute…
If another man accidentally drinks from your beer, it is now their beer & they must get you a new one…
No man may ever abandon his favorite team…
It is perfectly normal for two men to watch an entire sporting event & never say a word to each other…
It is permitted that men read poetry, so long as the act is done in private, read to a women with intent to have sex, & under no circumstances is to be publicly discussed…
A man shall never dance for fun, unless to improve his chances with a woman…
If you know a man for longer than a week, his sister is off limits, no matter how hot she is…
Cousins & other relatives are also off limits, regardless of the degree of separation…
Loss of limb can only be bragged about if it occurred whilst mountain climbing, scuba diving in shark infested waters, or if you cut/gnawed it off yourself in order to escape from a landslide or cave-in…

6/25/2006

If a tree falls in the forrest & no-one is there to hear it...

I really wish that someone could explain something to me. Out of all the peculiararities of we Americans, here are just a few that come to mind right off the bat:

Our sports isolationism (ie: that we call our professional sports team champions in every sport "World Champions", although the only US Professionl sports with tems outside on the continental US are Baseball (Toronto Blue Jays) & Hockey (Edmonton, Calgary, Montreal, Ottawa, Vancouver)...oh, & MLS is adding an expansion Toronto team in 2007

The fact that the United States does not usually recognize the governing bodies of sports worldwide...usually creating our own to govern US play (ie: USGA over the R&A)...with the exception of MLS, which is governed by FIFA

The US, along with Great Britain, are the only countries in the world which does not use the metric system as it's main standard of measurement

In every other country in world, people are taught to speak at least two languages, whereas most US pupils to only retain a single phrase from their schooling..."May I go to the bathroom?"

As I sit here watching England battle for the pride of their nation in the single most widely-viewed sporting event in the world, I can't help but ask myself why Soccer is no more popular in the United States.

Soccer, known the rest of the world over as Football or Futbol (as is will be frequently referred to from here on), is arguably the single most popular sport on the planet. In many parts of the world football evokes great passions and plays an important role in the life of individual fans, local communities, and even nations; it is therefore often claimed to be the most popular sport in the world. ESPN has spread the claim that the Côte d'Ivoire national football team helped secure a truce to the nation's civil war in 2005. By contrast, however, football is widely considered to be the final proximate cause in the Football War in June 1969 between El Salvador and Honduras. The sport also exausted tensions at the beginning the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s, when a match devolved into rioting in March 1990.

Today, football is played at a professional level all over the world, and millions of people

regularly go to football stadia to follow their favorite team, with billions more watching the game avidly on television. A very large number of people also play football at an amateur level. According to a survey conducted by FIFA and published in the spring of 2001, over 240 million people regularly play football in more than 200 countries in every part of the world. Its simple rules and minimal equipment requirements have no doubt aided its spread and growth in populrity.

The sport has given rise to one of the world's most popular figures, David Beckham, who's both name & face is instantly recognisable in every corner of the world. As one of the elite few who's status can be identified by a single name (joining the ranks of legends such as Pele, Madonna, Sting, Arnie, Shania, & Goodwin), Beckham's fame has even given rise to such off-field entertainment as the 2004 cult film "Bend It Like Beckham". With appearances may be better described as a phenomenon, Beckham is perhaps rivaled by only one man as the most recognisable figure on the planet...Tiger.

Dispite all of this, football has not reached soaring heights of popularity in the US, as it has the rest of the world over. Upon the loss of the US national team to Ghana on this pas

t Friday, one of the ESPN analysists made a statement which I believe summed-up this quandry quite well...

"One player from the Ghana national team made a comment before the game that every player on their team would die to win the World Cup, because of what it would mean to Ghana & the whole of Africa...I don't think that anyone on the US team would even pretend to entertain that thought..."

Simply put, of those in the US who even know today that the US is out of the World Cup, only a fraction of them even care. I would venture to guess that well over half of the US population was even aware that the World Cup is being held, nevermind that the US national team had qualified. I'd bet many wouldn't even be able to tell you what the World Cup even was. A majority would no doubt be surprised to know that the World Cup was held in the United States in 1994 (as well as the Women's World Cup in 2003), during which the average attendance of nearly 69,000 shattered a record that had stood since 1950. The total attendance for the final tournament of nearly 3.6 million remains the greatest in World Cup history...yet most seem to not know anything about it...

If you think about it, who among you didn't play soccer as a child? Regardless of whether it was on a travelling team or on a town league (playing only other kids from the same town), I'm willing to bet that most of you have memories of soccer in your past. I'd be interested to know an exact percentage, but I would venture a guess that a majority of childen in the US play soccer on a team of some sort at one point in their childhood (admit it...you all remember the orange slices, practices with the team, & soccer moms...)

Maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that there was no professional soccer league in the US until the creation of the MLS in 1993. Baseball is only America's

past-time because, since it's inception, people could go and catch a game down at the local ballpark. We route for our home team, revel in their victories, & feel the pain of their losses. Although, baseball fans in Boston & Chicago (north side) may be the only fans that come close to understanding how soccer is entwined with the lives of fans around the world. Particularly in Great Britain, where The FA Premeir League (UK's Primary soccer league) reins supreme.

Promoted as "The Greatest Show On Earth", the FA Premier League is the world's most popular and most watched sporting league, followed worldwide by over a billion people. Over 260 foreign players compete in the league, and 101 stars from England's domestic leagues competed in the 2002 World Cup in Korea and Japan. It is widely watched overseas, with matches being shown in over 150 countries. In Great Britain itself, many people travel back to their childhood home-towns every weekend to cheer for the local teams for which they have loved all of their lives. Victories are invigorating. Loses are crushing. Teams are a source of local & regional pride, as well as a source of emense economic power (The Premier League is the most lucrative football league in the world, with total club revenues of over £1.3 billion in 2004–05, more than 40% above its neares

t competitor). On a national level, not even the Olympic Games can rival the World Cup in terms of the amount of national pride on the line with every match. Only those who lived & died under the one of the two curses (that of The Bambino & The Billygoat), out of everyone in the nation, even come close to understanding...& then probably not quite to the extent to what British soccer fans live through every season.

Whatever your feelings towards soccer, you can't deny that it's popularity is steadily growing in the US & has been for some time. Although still in relative infancy compared to other American professional sporting leagues, MLS continues to gain interest & grow it's fan base with each passing season. This may be best described, in fact, by the comments made in a recent interview with Drew Carey (not only a season ticket-holder of the MLS Los Angeles Galaxy, but also follows the American national team as a press photographer, and sells his images via wire services under a pseudonym & is currently in Germany attending the World Cup matches):

"...I hope that it gets better for us every World Cup. Professional soccer in the US is getting better every year and one of these days it’s going to be the USA (winning the World Cup), I hate to tell you. It might be eight years from now, it might be twelve years from now, but you can’t stop a train, man. We are getting stronger all the time and I don’t see it stopping. It’s going to be pretty soon and think it will be really good for the sport all over the world."