Having been inspired by the Miller Lite commercials of late, I have come up with my own set of Man Laws. These laws are enacted in order to better serve, protect, & guide my fellow man in several areas, such as (but not limited to) the following:
- Beverage consumption (kind, quantities, techniques, & mannerisms)
- Women (all ages)
- Sports (playing, observing, discussing, & supporting)
- Justice
- The Home (all aspects of a man's castle)
- Means of transportation (both public & private)
- Style (all meanings of the word)
- Women (must be mentioned more than once to stress the importance)
- Behavior (at home, work, play, & abroad)
Each of these laws may be appealed only through the proper channels & then only by men over the age of 12. Women & children are subject to the laws, but have no voice or legal opinion in respect to The Laws of Men, nor will any pleas by such parties be tolerated. Any & all questions or comments can be emailed to the following address:
kissmyass@lawsofmen.org
Questions or comments can also be submitted via the submission form on our web site, which can be found at either of the following web addresses:
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/anotherdamnhippie
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/potsmokingguitarplayingtreehugger
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/mindnumbingfemanazi
http://www.lawsofmen.org/e-form/sillyassbiatch
Please use your own discression in choosing the correct address form to address your concerns. All submissions & emails will be responded to each Leap Day from 08:00 until 08:00:01 GMT.
Let The Laws of Men
henceforth be known & observed, for the betterment of all mankind...
- A man shall never drink Zima...a womanly beverage at best, any man partaking in a Zima shall have his manhood come into question immediately upon the discovery...
- On a date, a man shall open all doors & always pay the tab, completely, for all meals or activities (however, if said date is a femi-nazi, the Lemon Law should be invoked...if Femi-nazi status is discovered after the standard applicable time-limit, the Lemon Law may still be invoked, as the late discovery of Femi-nazi status constitutes meeting the "real" woman for the first time, in effect beginning the date all over again)...
- Gingers can never be trusted...the introduction of a Ginger into a non-Ginger group is punishable by the most sever actions...
- One should always walk while golfing if given the option...
- Real men drink by the handle...
- Often times, the best drinks are not the best known...
- If you can't make "retard" jokes in front of actual retards, you shouldn't be making "retard" jokes...
- Insolent women must be punished by their keepers...
- You should wear at least one article of Argyle at all times...
- A man shall never uses his cell phone to call someone while at a sporting event...
- A man shall never wave at the camera while attending a ball game...
- If your kids deserve to be hit…hit them
- If you don't laugh while watching Mind of Mencia, you are retarded...
- All girls like to be spanked...they just don't admit it...
- No man shall ever utter the word “Giddy”…
- Real men like country music…
- It is perfectly acceptable for a man to “tune-out” a woman if in the midst of an incoherent mind-boggling rant…
- Speedo swimsuits are never to be worn, unless Olympic medals are involved…
- No mans shall ever travel with more than one carry-on size piece of luggage of no more than 1.8 cubic feet…the only exceptions being if golf clubs are involved…
- It is always acceptable for a man to cannonball into a pool…anywhere…anytime…
- Henceforth, “Jack & Jill” showers are abolished…
- A man shall never explain nor apologize for not calling another man back…
- Pets shall never where clothes…
- If a man’s friend calls him at 3 a.m., he must pick up that friend wherever he is…no questions asked…
- No man-to-man phone call shall ever last longer than one minute & thirty seconds…
- A man shall never complain that another man “never calls him anymore”…
- If you spill it, you refill it…
- The wearing of socks with sandals is strictly forbidden…
- No man shall ever give himself his own nickname…
- It is only OK to use another man’s remote with express verbal permission…
- Grilling, regardless of whether, should always be first choice for cooking…
- Holding the door for a lady is always the right thing to do…
- No man may ever use the word “cute”, unless he is insulting another man for using the word cute…
- If another man accidentally drinks from your beer, it is now their beer & they must get you a new one…
- No man may ever abandon his favorite team…
- It is perfectly normal for two men to watch an entire sporting event & never say a word to each other…
- It is permitted that men read poetry, so long as the act is done in private, read to a women with intent to have sex, & under no circumstances is to be publicly discussed…
- A man shall never dance for fun, unless to improve his chances with a woman…
- If you know a man for longer than a week, his sister is off limits, no matter how hot she is…
- Cousins & other relatives are also off limits, regardless of the degree of separation…
- Loss of limb can only be bragged about if it occurred whilst mountain climbing, scuba diving in shark infested waters, or if you cut/gnawed it off yourself in order to escape from a landslide or cave-in…
